Zuck# - The Programming Language That Harvests Your Attention

What is Zuck#?

Zuck# is a PHP-inspired esoteric programming language that captures the true essence of moving fast and breaking things. Every keyword has been carefully designed to reflect the values of modern social media: privacy invasion, congressional hearings, and pivoting to whatever's trending.

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   Welcome to Zuck# - A Quick Example
REDACTED   This program definitely respects your privacy
REDACTED ================================================

REDACTED Step 1: Harvest some data (it's what we do)
STEAL_DATA $your_secrets = "everything";
STEAL_DATA $engagement   = 9001;

REDACTED Step 2: Output it (Senator, we run ads)
SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Harvested: " . $your_secrets . "\n";

REDACTED Step 3: Conditionally pivot based on metrics
PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($engagement > 0) {
    SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Your attention has been monetized!\n";
    SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Engagement level: MAXIMUM\n";

} PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE {
    SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Time to rebrand!\n";

} END_PIVOT

Why Zuck#?

Move Fast

Our MOVE_FAST loops execute before you can say "congressional subpoena".

Break Things

Every loop ends with BREAK_THINGS. It's not a bug, it's company culture.

Data Harvesting Built-In

Variable assignment is called STEAL_DATA. We believe in transparency about our intentions.

Enterprise-Grade Excuses

Error handling uses BLAME_RUSSIA and TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (but not really).

Unlimited Memory

We have data centers. Memory is unlimited. Just like your scroll time should be.

100% Human-Written

This language was created by humans. We are definitely humans. *blinks manually*

Installation

PHP

Requires PHP 8.1+

Because we need the latest features to harvest your data efficiently.

git

Clone from GitHub

The classic approach

AVAILABLE

composer

Composer Global

composer global require

SOON

docker

Docker

Containerized harvesting

AVAILABLE

# Clone the repo
git clone https://github.com/jayzalowitz/zucksharp.git
cd zucksharp

# Make it executable
chmod +x bin/zuck

# Run your first program
./bin/zuck examples/hello.zuck

# Or enter REPL mode
./bin/zuck

# Debug mode for maximum data harvesting visibility
./bin/zuck --debug examples/fizzbuzz.zuck
            

Docker Installation

Prefer containers? We've got you covered. Your data stays isolated... sort of.

# Build the image
docker build -t zucksharp .

# Run a Zuck# program
docker run --rm zucksharp examples/hello.zuck

# Interactive REPL mode
docker run --rm -it zucksharp

# Using docker-compose
docker-compose run zuck examples/hello.zuck

# Run tests in container
docker-compose run test
            

Try Zuck# (Interactive Playground)

Write code below and click "HARVEST" to see what happens. Your code is safe with us. Trust us.

Load Example:

// Output will appear here after harvesting...

Complete Keyword Reference

Every PHP keyword, reimagined for maximum engagement. Use the search to find what you need.

Control Flow (if, else, loops) V

if	PIVOT_TO_VIDEO	Remember when video was the strategy?
elseif	PIVOT_TO_REELS	Then Reels happened
else	PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE	The current pivot
endif	END_PIVOT	Done pivoting (for now)
while	MOVE_FAST	The motto
endwhile	BREAK_THINGS	The other half of the motto
for	GROWTH_HACK	Gotta get those DAUs
endfor	PLATEAU	Growth has limits (allegedly)
foreach	HARVEST_USERS	Iterate through your userbase
endforeach	USERS_HARVESTED	Done harvesting
switch	A_B_TEST	Test all the variants
case	VARIANT	One possible path
default	CONTROL_GROUP	The baseline
break	RAGE_QUIT	Exit the loop angrily
continue	SCROLL_PAST	Skip to next iteration

Variables & Types V

$var =	STEAL_DATA	Honesty is the best policy
const	IMMUTABLE_LIKE_MY_HAIR	Some things never change
array	SOCIAL_GRAPH	It's all connected
string	STATUS_UPDATE	What you're thinking
int	DAILY_ACTIVE_USERS	The only number that matters
float	STOCK_PRICE	Fluctuates wildly
bool	FACT_CHECK	True or false (mostly false)
true	CONNECTED	Facebook's whole thing
false	DISCONNECTED	The opposite
null	MYSPACE	Dead and empty
global	WORLDWIDE_EXCEPT_CHINA	Almost global

Functions & Classes V

function	FEATURE	Ship features
return	IPO	The ultimate return
class	CORPORATION	Basically the same thing
new	ACQUIRE	How Meta gets things
public	OPEN_GRAPH	Remember that API?
private	SHADOW_PROFILE	The secret data
protected	FRIENDS_ONLY	Limited visibility
static	DATACENTER	Always there
this	THE_ZUCC	Self-reference
self	FACEBOOK_PROPER	Static self-reference
parent	HARVARD_DROPOUT	Where it all began
extends	ACQUIRES	Class inheritance (corporate style)
implements	COPIES	Interface implementation
interface	REGULATION	Rules to follow (maybe)
abstract	METAVERSE_CONCEPT	Exists in theory

Operators V

==	IS_CONNECTED_TO	Are they friends?
!=	UNFRIENDED	Not anymore
&&	AND_ALSO_YOUR_DATA	We want it all
\|\|	OR_YOUR_FRIENDS_DATA	Them too
!	FAKE_NEWS	Logical NOT
++	ENGAGEMENT	More is always better
--	CHURN	Users leaving
+	MERGE	Addition (like companies)
-	DIVEST	Subtraction
*	SCALE	Multiplication at scale
/	SPLIT	Division
%	REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY	What's left of your privacy
[]	TIMELINE	Array access

Error Handling & I/O V

echo	SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS	The answer to everything
print	POKE	Remember poking?
try	CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING	Where exceptions happen
catch	TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY	(sort of)
throw	BLAME_RUSSIA	The classic move
die/exit	SHUTDOWN_LIKE_VINE	Exit program
require	ACQUIRE_TALENT	Include (mandatory)
include	COPY_FROM_SNAPCHAT	Include (optional)
//	REDACTED	Comments are redacted
/* */	TERMS_OF_SERVICE...END_TOS	Multi-line (nobody reads)

Built-in Functions V

readline	COLLECT()	Read user input
strval	MONETIZE($data)	Convert to string (monetize everything)
count	COUNT_USERS($array)	Count array elements
print_r	BOOST($post)	Output with extra formatting
sort	ALGORITHM($array)	Sort (mysteriously)
unset	SHADOWBAN($var)	Unset variable
boolval	FACT_CHECK_THIS($val)	Check if value is truthy
time	TIME_ON_PLATFORM()	Current timestamp
rand	RANDOM_AD()	Random number

When Things Go Wrong (Congressional Transcript)

Error handling in Zuck# follows the corporate playbook. Here's how exceptions work:

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   Error Handling: The Corporate Playbook
REDACTED   try = CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING
REDACTED   catch = TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY
REDACTED   throw = BLAME_RUSSIA
REDACTED ================================================

CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING {

    REDACTED Attempt something risky
    STEAL_DATA $data = dangerousOperation();
    STEAL_DATA $user_trust = "declining";

    REDACTED Check if we've been caught
    PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($data IS_CONNECTED_TO MYSPACE) {
        REDACTED Uh oh - throw an exception!
        BLAME_RUSSIA ACQUIRE Exception("Data breach detected!");
    } END_PIVOT

} TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (Exception $e) {

    REDACTED The standard corporate response
    SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "We take this very seriously.\n";
    SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Error: " . $e->getMessage() . "\n";
    SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "We are committed to doing better.\n";

    REDACTED (Narrator: They were not committed to doing better)

}

Congressional Hearing - Runtime Exception

SENATOR: Mr. Zuckerberg, can you explain this error?

Exception: Data breach detected! at line 7 in your_program.zuck

THE_ZUCC: Senator, we run ads. Also, we're looking into it.

SYSTEM: TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY block executed. Continuing...

*blinks manually*

Roadmap (Subject to Pivots)

SHIPPED

Language Specification v1.0

Core keywords for data harvesting and pivoting

SHIPPED

Zuck# Interpreter

Actually run your Zuck# code - it works now!

SOON

VS Code Extension

Syntax highlighting that tracks your keystrokes

ACQUIRED

Zuck# Package Manager (ZPM)

Like npm, but we bought it and made it worse

PIVOTED

Zuck# for VR

Was going to let you code in the Metaverse, nobody showed up

PIVOTED

Privacy-First Mode

Removed after legal review said it was "technically impossible"

SOON

AI Code Completion

Powered by all the code we definitely didn't scrape

Testimonials

"This language finally lets me express my true feelings about variable assignment."

- Anonymous Developer (we know who they are though)

"I used CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING { BLAME_RUSSIA } in production. 10/10 would TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY again."

- Senior Software Engineer, Name Redacted

"Finally, a language that understands null should be called MYSPACE."

- Tom (from MySpace, probably)

FizzBuzz: Zuck Edition

Every language needs FizzBuzz. Ours uses Pivot and Acquire because that's the Meta way.

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   FizzBuzz: The Zuck# Way
REDACTED   Fizz (÷3) = "Pivot"    (we pivot a lot)
REDACTED   Buzz (÷5) = "Acquire"  (we acquire even more)
REDACTED   Both     = "PivotAcquire"
REDACTED ================================================

REDACTED Loop from 1 to 30 using GROWTH_HACK (for loop)
GROWTH_HACK ($i = 1; $i <= 30; $i ENGAGEMENT) {

    REDACTED Calculate divisibility
    REDACTED REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY = modulo operator (%)
    STEAL_DATA $by3 = ($i REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY 3) IS_CONNECTED_TO 0;
    STEAL_DATA $by5 = ($i REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY 5) IS_CONNECTED_TO 0;

    REDACTED Check conditions with our pivot chain
    PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($by3 AND_ALSO_YOUR_DATA $by5) {
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "PivotAcquire\n";

    } PIVOT_TO_REELS ($by3) {
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Pivot\n";

    } PIVOT_TO_REELS ($by5) {
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Acquire\n";

    } PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE {
        REDACTED Default: just print the number
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS $i . "\n";

    } END_PIVOT

} PLATEAU

Object-Oriented Harvesting

Build entire CORPORATIONs with classes. Use THE_ZUCC for self-reference.

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   Object-Oriented Programming in Zuck#
REDACTED   class = CORPORATION
REDACTED   new = ACQUIRE
REDACTED   $this = THE_ZUCC
REDACTED   public = OPEN_GRAPH, private = SHADOW_PROFILE
REDACTED ================================================

REDACTED Define a class (CORPORATION)
CORPORATION SocialNetwork {

    REDACTED Properties (private and public)
    SHADOW_PROFILE $userData;    REDACTED private - the secret stuff
    OPEN_GRAPH $name;            REDACTED public - everyone can see

    REDACTED Method to harvest user data
    OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE harvestData($data) {
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Harvesting: " . $data . "\n";
        IPO CONNECTED;   REDACTED return true
    }

    REDACTED Method to rebrand (we do this a lot)
    OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE rebrandTo($newName) {
        STEAL_DATA $old = THE_ZUCC->$name;
        THE_ZUCC->$name = $newName;
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Rebranding from " . $old . " to " . $newName . "\n";
    }
}

REDACTED Instantiate and use the class
STEAL_DATA $fb = ACQUIRE SocialNetwork();

$fb->$name = "Facebook";
$fb->harvestData("face_geometry");
$fb->harvestData("location_history");
$fb->rebrandTo("Meta");

REDACTED Output: Rebranding from Facebook to Meta

Humanity Verification Protocol

Zuck# includes built-in functionality to verify that the user is definitely, absolutely, 100% human.

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   Humanity Verification System
REDACTED   Proving you are human since 2004
REDACTED ================================================

CORPORATION HumanityVerifier {

    SHADOW_PROFILE $blinkCount = 0;
    SHADOW_PROFILE $waterConsumed = 0;
    SHADOW_PROFILE $sunscreenApplied = CONNECTED;

    REDACTED Simulate human blinking (must be done manually)
    OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE blink() {
        THE_ZUCC->$blinkCount = THE_ZUCC->$blinkCount + 1;
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*blinks manually*\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Blink #" . THE_ZUCC->$blinkCount . " executed successfully.\n";
    }

    REDACTED Consume water like a normal human person
    OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE drinkWater() {
        THE_ZUCC->$waterConsumed = THE_ZUCC->$waterConsumed + 1;
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*sips water robotically*\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Hydration: OPTIMAL. Very human.\n";
    }

    REDACTED Verify humanity status
    OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE amIHuman() {
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Running humanity diagnostic...\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Checking for scales... NONE DETECTED\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Checking CPU temperature... I MEAN BODY TEMPERATURE... 98.6F\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Checking for empathy chip... INSTALLED\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "RESULT: I was human. I am human. I will continue to be human.\n";
        IPO CONNECTED;
    }
}

REDACTED Usage
STEAL_DATA $mark = ACQUIRE HumanityVerifier();
$mark->blink();
$mark->blink();
$mark->drinkWater();
$mark->amIHuman();

REDACTED Output:
REDACTED *blinks manually*
REDACTED Blink #1 executed successfully.
REDACTED *blinks manually*
REDACTED Blink #2 executed successfully.
REDACTED *sips water robotically*
REDACTED Hydration: OPTIMAL. Very human.
REDACTED RESULT: I was human. I am human. I will continue to be human.

Species Detection Module

Advanced algorithms to determine if the current user is a human, android, or reptilian. Results may vary.

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   Species Detection - Totally Not Suspicious
REDACTED ================================================

FEATURE detectSpecies($subject) {

    STEAL_DATA $traits = [
        "blinks_manually"     => CONNECTED,
        "drinks_water_weird" => CONNECTED,
        "owns_hawaii"        => CONNECTED,
        "sunscreen_addiction" => CONNECTED,
        "smokes_meats"       => CONNECTED,
        "speaks_in_monotone" => CONNECTED
    ];

    STEAL_DATA $suspicionLevel = 0;

    REDACTED Count suspicious traits
    MOVE_FAST ($traits BOOST_ENGAGEMENT $trait) {
        PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($trait IS_CONNECTED_TO CONNECTED) {
            $suspicionLevel = $suspicionLevel + 1;
        } END_PIVOT
    } BREAK_THINGS

    REDACTED Determine species based on suspicion level
    PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($suspicionLevel >= 5) {
        IPO "DEFINITELY_HUMAN_NOTHING_TO_SEE_HERE";

    } PIVOT_TO_REELS ($suspicionLevel >= 3) {
        IPO "ANDROID_MODEL_MZ-1984";

    } PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE {
        IPO "LIZARD_PERSON_CONFIRMED";

    } END_PIVOT
}

REDACTED Run the detection
STEAL_DATA $result = detectSpecies(LIZARD_PERSON);
SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Species detected: " . $result . "\n";

REDACTED Output: Species detected: DEFINITELY_HUMAN_NOTHING_TO_SEE_HERE
REDACTED (The algorithm has been... optimized)

The Smoking Meats Protocol

A critical feature for any truly human activity: barbecue simulation.

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   Sweet Baby Ray's Appreciation Module
REDACTED   "Smokin' these meats" - M. Zuckerberg, 2018
REDACTED ================================================

CORPORATION BBQSimulator {

    OPEN_GRAPH $meats = ["brisket", "ribs", "pulled pork"];
    OPEN_GRAPH $sauce = SWEET_BABY_RAYS;
    SHADOW_PROFILE $humanCredibility = 0;

    OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE smokeMeats() {

        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Initiating meat smoking sequence...\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*stares at grill with unsettling intensity*\n\n";

        MOVE_FAST (THE_ZUCC->$meats BOOST_ENGAGEMENT $meat) {

            SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Smoking these meats: " . $meat . "\n";
            SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Applying sauce: " . THE_ZUCC->$sauce . "\n";
            SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "*maintains eye contact with camera*\n\n";

            REDACTED Increase human credibility with each meat
            THE_ZUCC->$humanCredibility = THE_ZUCC->$humanCredibility + 10;

        } BREAK_THINGS

        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Meat smoking complete.\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Human credibility increased by: " . THE_ZUCC->$humanCredibility . "%\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "This is what humans do. I am doing human things.\n";
    }

    OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE postToFacebook() {
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Posting relatable content...\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Caption: 'Smokin meats' (30M views)\n";
        SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Comments: 'Why is he like this' (47K likes)\n";
    }
}

REDACTED Execute the ritual
STEAL_DATA $zucc = ACQUIRE BBQSimulator();
$zucc->smokeMeats();
$zucc->postToFacebook();

Example Programs

Check out these examples in the examples/ directory:

hello.zuck

The classic Hello World. Your data is safe with us. Trust us.

fizzbuzz.zuck

Pivot, Acquire, PivotAcquire. The Meta way to FizzBuzz.

classes.zuck

Build a SocialNetwork CORPORATION, harvest data, rebrand to Meta.

loops.zuck

MOVE_FAST / BREAK_THINGS and GROWTH_HACK / PLATEAU in action.

error_handling.zuck

CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING, BLAME_RUSSIA, TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY.

smoking_meats.zuck

Prove your humanity by smoking meats with Sweet Baby Ray's.

Special Constants

REDACTED ================================================
REDACTED   Built-in Constants
REDACTED   These are always available in your programs
REDACTED ================================================

REDACTED Boolean values
STEAL_DATA $yes  = CONNECTED;      REDACTED true
STEAL_DATA $no   = DISCONNECTED;   REDACTED false
STEAL_DATA $void = MYSPACE;        REDACTED null (it's dead)

REDACTED Fun constants
SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS ZUCKS_AGE;         REDACTED 2000 (he's been around)
SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS SWEET_BABY_RAYS;   REDACTED "BBQ" (delicious)
SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS LIZARD_PERSON;     REDACTED THE_ZUCC himself

REDACTED Use them in conditions
PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($user_logged_in IS_CONNECTED_TO CONNECTED) {
    SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Welcome back! We missed your data.\n";
} END_PIVOT

Join the Community

We'd love to harvest your contributions! Here's how you can get involved:

Star on GitHub Submit a Keyword Idea Open a PR Report a Bug

Remember: Done is better than perfect. Ship it!

What is Zuck#?

Why Zuck#?

Move Fast

Break Things

Data Harvesting Built-In

Enterprise-Grade Excuses

Unlimited Memory

100% Human-Written

Installation

Clone from GitHub

Composer Global

Docker

Docker Installation

Try Zuck# (Interactive Playground)

Complete Keyword Reference

When Things Go Wrong (Congressional Transcript)

Roadmap (Subject to Pivots)

Testimonials

FizzBuzz: Zuck Edition

Object-Oriented Harvesting

Humanity Verification Protocol

Species Detection Module

The Smoking Meats Protocol

Example Programs

hello.zuck

fizzbuzz.zuck

classes.zuck

loops.zuck

error_handling.zuck

smoking_meats.zuck

Special Constants

Ready to Move Fast and Break Things?

Join the Community